So often in the last few months, people have said something along the lines of, "oh, you are such a good person to do what you did." I've been thinking about being a good person, about motivations, about what to do with these accolades.
Let's talk about motivations, because these are at the root of the other topics. What motivates people to do "good" things? I've seen and heard a lot of people talking about doing good deeds lately. Disney even got in on it, rewarding do-gooders for serving a non-profit for a day with a day at their theme parks. (Seems there were more generous folks than Mickey could keep up with and they cut it off at some point.) I guess some of those people were doing their good deeds to get a free day of fun.
Since this blog is about Haiti, let's look at my motivations related to this country. I can only truly judge my own heart: when I think back to my first trip to Haiti in 1982, it was about doing something fun, something outside the box, being different, maybe getting some attention...I really didn't know anything about Haiti, didn't have any particular affection for its people. I felt sorry for them, and was easily convinced that we would make a difference by going and participating in some construction projects for three weeks. (I'm glad God's grace is large and He understands we are but dust...He forgives our shortcomings).
By 1984, God had done a deep work in my heart; I had been broken, and found myself at the foot of the cross again and again in humility. But I was just getting started. I left suburban Baltimore to teach the children of missionaries and businessmen and women at a Christian school in Port au Prince. I was humbled by the people I met there, men and women who had given their lives to serving this nation, nationals that were serving the least of these, their countrymen. I remember for years, I wouldn't call myself a missionary...I didn't feel like I deserved the title. (It was only after getting tired of the longer explanation that I just shortened it to, "I was a missionary for a year in Haiti.") So what was my motivation then? Not sure, maybe just to have a job. But I really did want to be God's servant. Regardless, God did amazing things that year; probably the year of the most rapid growth in my spiritual life.
After getting married, Kirk and I sponsored a Haitian girl through Compassion, International. Every month for 6 years, we sent $28 to feed, clothe, and send this young lady to school. When she grew out of the program, we started with another, and for another 12 years sent that small amount monthly. She is my oldest daughter's age. I wonder what she is doing now. I'd say, our motivation for doing this was relatively pure: we wanted to demonstrate the love of Christ and help someone who needed it. Easy.
Fast forward to 2007: what motivated me to initiate a family trip to Haiti? I saw my teens growing up in affluent America, some with a tender heart toward God, some still seeking. I wanted to show them the other side of life, where their dad and I met and worked...really not a super-spiritual decision. But God was beginning something incredible. After that trip, I began to pray for a deeper sense of purpose, and meaning in life. We were living the American dream...home, cars, plenty of everything, fun, good relationships, great church and friends - but we were hard pressed to find something to really step out in faith for. Kirk and I started talking about starting a non-profit and raising funds for work in Haiti. Motivation? Well, partly to do something lasting, partly to help Pastor Val, partly to feel important. But again, Jesus and His transformation of our selfish lives was at the core.
So as plans began to unfold to go to Haiti in January of 2010, I'd had some time to think about why I wanted to be involved with this little orphanage. Going through the American recession, much of the entanglements of affluence were slowly pared away, and the core of what I believed was exposed. I was grateful for the opportunity to help someone with no fame or great ministry, and I purposely kept it on the down-low. I didn't want to get a large following for this work; I just wanted it to be our family and a few others, if they asked. Like Hudson Taylor, I didn't want to even ask for support. It was fun and exciting to see God work miracles and answer prayer with absolutely no manipulation from me. Pastor Val needed help, and he always said, "Let's just see what the Lord will do." I picked up that mantra. Let's just see....
And then, we were sitting in the parking lot of the PAP airport on a sunny afternoon in January, and the ground shook and our lives were all changed. I saw the raw grit of true faith: that when everything is hopeless and all is lost, call out to Jesus. We saw a lot of people who demonstrated a true love and service to Christ, selflessly, while no one was watching. And then the whole world saw it.
My conclusion, therefore on the matter of motivations: either you do it because Jesus has invaded your life and you have surrendered your hands and feet and mouth for His work, His will. Or, you are doing good because you want to feel better about yourself, want to leave a legacy of some kind, want to be remembered, want to impress someone, want to be important or looked up to. Even if people genuinely want to change their world, one has to look deep and ask, "If no one ever knows it was me who did this, would that be okay?" Can we do something wonderful for the world and remain anonymous? I venture to say, without the Lord, that is very hard to do.
So when someone tells me I'm such a good person for being involved in this orphanage, I want to just say, there is nothing good in me at my core; Christ has changed me and given me His marching orders. And I'm doing very little compared to others. I hope you discover the joy of serving Christ. It is a deep reward, difficult to explain in human terms. I just hope that I can keep digging deep and finding those unholy motivations, and weed them out.
